Third Time Love

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It was a love I dreamed about and that staggered me when it happened. A love that has changed the way I do things and has brought so much joy into my life that I can hardly wrap my mind around all the amazing things that have happened to me because of him. Now, in just a few short weeks, it will happen again. There will be another tiny little face and I know I will fall in love. It will be scary, it will be intense, yet it will, in a very unique way, change me again. Am I ready? Who is ever ready? One can look at all the black and white silhouettes and 3D images, one can feel all the movement in the world But it is nothing like meeting that little person face-to-face and holding them in your arms and kissing them for the first time.

So this year is a Valentine's Day of overflowing hearts, anticipating our worlds to change and grow and evolve. It's not just about pretty cards or sharing special candy, but about preparing for a life that will soon migrate from a place of secrecy to this big, wide world and all it has to offer. Will I be able to offer that life all it needs?

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All the love it deserves? Will I be enough to help that little life grow safely and reach potentials I can only dream of? Falling in love is scary.

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You can only know what you can feel, especially when the other party is unable to really TELL tell you what they are feeling in their own heart and thinking in their mind. You take their peaceful slumber as a way to tell you they love you, but you worry that it is not as deep as what you feel.

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You see a first smile and yet can only wonder what they are thinking as they smile at you. This little life, this tiny TINY person will know me more intimately from day one than anyone else on Earth.

What responsibility. What reward. What blessing. Yes, for many in this world, falling in love is too scary. They would rather talk themselves out of it to escape the responsibility. We had a cute little house in the San Fernando Valley, but my father was often away and my mother constantly worried. When he was home, his emotions vacillated greatly later I learned he suffered from bipolar or manic-depressive disorder.

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One minute he was joyful and rode me around on his shoulders. The next minute he was irritable, angry and depressed. I met my first wife at U.


Santa Barbara. I was a senior and she was a freshman.

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She reminded me of Janis Joplin—cute, wild, creative, edgy, dangerous. We went to Monterey on our honeymoon, not knowing the Monterey Pop Festival was in full swing. No rooms were to be had anywhere in Monterey, but we found a room in Carmel when I was able to talk the landlady into taking us in since we were newly married. She knew the organizers and was able to help get us tickets. Our first son, Jemal, was named after a character in the T. Our daughter, Angela, was named after political activist Angela Davis. The politics of protest is still going on.

Our marriage lasted 10 years. I met her in the pools at Harbin Hot Springs. I should have been alerted to the danger when I found that she slept with a gun under her pillow. I was scared to death. Instead of getting out, we got married. We nearly killed each other on a number of occasions and we were both lucky to get out of the marriage alive.

I found a good therapist and did some deep work on healing from the wounds and traumas growing up in my family and reprogrammed my love map to take me in a healthier direction. The initial meeting was pretty low key as a mutual friend introduced us. I was cordial, but no bells went off in my brain. I reminded myself of my new love map and decided a martial arts dojo was a more promising meeting place to get to know a person than the pools of hot springs.

Our first love is said to happen while we are young.

Carlin and I reconnected a week later in San Diego at a conference put on by the Psychologist Jack Gibb to explore his ideas about the health and well-being of groups and the people in them. I was surprised. All my life I had believed that I was attractive. I always thought I had to do my song and dance and overwhelm them with my wit and intellect in order to get them interested. But here was a very attractive woman who seemed interested in me. We talked and walked on the beach and got to know each other. Although there was clearly attraction, we were both terrified of getting involved again.

We both had children to protect.

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But the distance allowed us to go slow and the attraction deepened. It allowed us to develop trust and openness before we plunged into becoming more intimate. We had both made lists of things we wanted in a partner including being committed to their own health and well-being, humor, a willingness to love our children, good work habits, love what they do, etc. When we talked about it, we had to admit we were hung up on the fact that she was a few inches taller than me and a few years older than me. Instead of walking away we went deeper.

The deeper we went, the more we began to like each other and love began to blossom.